Lesson 1

Self confidence, trusting yourself, standing up for yourself, maintaining healthy boundaries, not being a doormat, not being a people pleaser...this is what we are here to explore, understand, and leave behind.

We will be exploring where did this come from? Is it environmental? Is it genetic? Is it some damage to your mental, emotional, or spiritual well being? Is there “something wrong with me”?

Why is this happening? Why do you continually attract into your experience people who are toxic, or who use and take advantage of you or control you.. People who challenge your boundaries and push you into conflict.

Once we answer the why, we will then begin to understand on a deep level why you have the behavior you have and where the fear originated.

Then we will step into change. This is a process. This process will require patience. I suggest that you take your time with each lesson. There are seven lessons. I don’t suggest that you do one lesson a day. 

We are rebuilding the part of you that holds your personal strength and confidence. Rebuilding takes time and we don’t want to push or rush your progress. We want you to have time to become comfortable and strong in your new understanding and feel safe to implement each step with total confidence and strength.

How do we get started?

Let’s start with exploring.

What is your Health Type? Find out here If you don't know yet. CLICK HERE.

We will see which if not all of the 3 categories you fall into:

Environmental- confidence not allowed to grow

Relationship- confidence was growing but then torn down

Genetic- predisposed to confidence issues/more at risk due to mind habits that stem from your HealthType- confidence grows at slower rate naturally

Environmental:

Answer the following questions.

CLICK HERE TO ACCESS THE POLL

In this poll, we are checking to see if your environment as a child supported you growing your confidence or stunted your growth and caused a wound in this part of you.

If you had a parent that fell in the following Health Type Categories, it is highly likely that confidence growth was stunted and you may need some healing.

If you are not on Facebook.. you can read the poll questions here:

1. Mistakes were not allowed. Perfection was expected in my house..either by a parent or I expected that of myself. I was punished for mistakes
2. I was never allowed to make my own choices as a child. I was told what to do and if I didn't do it, I was in trouble.
3. I later had a relationship with someone who gaslighted me(made me think I was crazy for suspecting things that were actually true)
4. I was raised by an impatient and highly critical parent.- or grew up around a person like that
5. I had a relationship with someone who always pointed the finger at me..it was always me causing the issue and I needed fixed
6. I suffered name calling such as being called stupid, dumb, or crazy either as a child or as an adult.
7. I trust other people and their intelligence or decision making skills more than I trust my own.
8. I am now critical of myself, have negative self talk, am afraid of mistakes and their consequences, can't make a decision to save my life.

Diplomat-(ox) Large body frame, heavier on top, legs usually smaller even if overweight, taller frame. You might describe them as a drill sergeant. Required perfection. Mistakes not allowed. Highly judgmental and critical. Controlling. Extremely high expectations.

Sensor-(bird) Taller frame can also have a short small frame. Shaped more like a ruler. Thin most if not all of their life. Read books a lot. Not social. Introverted. Rigid, controlling, anxious. Unable to engage emotionally. Not nurturing or touchy feely. Very smart and logical. Can also have a never satisfied or princess mentality.. Enjoying the material side of life. You may have found you could never please them or make them happy no matter how hard you tried.

Crusader-(horse) Can also be tall or short.. Smaller frame. Can be muscular. Athletic, jock type. Driven. Workaholic. Selfish. Very direct with communication. Can be harsh and hurtful. Can also be narcissistic and use shame and manipulation. Highly competitive. Can make you feel inadequate or “dumb” when you are around them. They can be real bullies as parents and may even call you names and be quite insensitive.

If you identified one of your parents here in this list..or you spent a significant amount of time with another family member, sibling, cousin, next door neighbor who had these traits.. You have an environmental factor and your confidence has never been allowed to grow. The good news is that it’s still there waiting for you! Like a little seed of a flower that has never been watered or nurtured or given sunlight. It lays dormant inside of you. We are going to start watering it now.

If you read all of the above and are like, no I had the best parents and best childhood ever. I was very nurtured, loved, supported, allowed to make mistakes, allowed to make my own choices, never felt criticized, rejected, pushed away, or like a disappointment. Then you do not have an environmental factor meaning your confidence was growing as you grew. If you were a Sensor, Diplomat, or Crusader your confidence would have had a tendency to grow overly strong. If you were an Activator, Connector, or Guardian it would have grown but not overly confident. What we are looking for is a healthy balance someplace between cocky and doormat.

So let’s look to see if it began growing but was then torn down.

Relationship:

Later in life you became involved with someone in the above Health Type Category. You began to trust their judgement and opinions of everything more than you did your own because they always seemed so sure of everything, so confident. They were controlling. They made you question and second guess yourself by picking you apart with judgements and or criticisms every chance they got. I call this the taller tree syndrome. Your confidence was growing at a normal rate for you. Their confidence however had grown massive..out of proportion and out of balance. It’s possible they were a diplomat, crusader, or sensor with overly supportive and submissive parents and grew up believing they could never be wrong or do wrong in their parents eyes. If they wanted it, they got it. They grow up believing this is how it should be. They can also learn some pretty toxic mental habits in order to make sure they always get what they want and are never opposed. This is what we label a narcissist. Your confidence tree doesn’t stand a chance against this level of confidence. Your confidence was growing in size and strength, but then was overpowered and strangled out by the taller tree who has to have it all. They don’t know how to share, compromise, give, and nurture another. They are extremely self serving, self centered, and self preserving. 

If you have both Environmental and Relationship factors, you will need to heal, then nurture your confidence to begin growing, and find a healthy balance.

Genetic:

If you fall in the following Categories, you are at a higher risk for experiencing environmental and relationship issues or both.

Activator- (cat) Usually shorter smaller frame but muscular. Puts on muscles easily. Moves around a lot.. Movement is important to them. Usually diagnosed with ADHD. If confident can be rebellious and loves freedom and risk taking. An activator wants others to be happy because they are extremely sensitive to the emotional state of those in their environment. They seek harmony and emotional balance in their environment and sacrifice themselves and how they feel, what they need and want, just to stop the negative feeling energy coming from another person. If they are raised by an angry or depressed parent, or a parent holding on to strong emotional pain this creates anxiety within them. They may not understand this anxiety or where it is coming from and think something is wrong with them. They can turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Connector-(dog) Hourglass shape. Usually shorter, stocky build. Very social. Nurturing, loving. Wants others to be happy because they love seeing others happy. However like the activator, they can sacrifice their own needs and growth and exhaust themselves trying to fix or please others. Can be a little more gullible and or naive...bubbly and super trusting of others. This makes you more susceptible than all other types.

Guardian- (bear) Pear shape. Bigger frame. Loving if closer to a connector health type. More harsh and controlling if closer to a Diplomat health type. Guardians have a huge drive towards family and meeting the needs of others. Usually very loving and nurturing caretakers. Can have control tendencies, however it comes more from fear of the family member being hurt or not getting what they need. It is a more selfless type of controlling habit than a selfish one.

Summary

Ask yourself the following questions.

1. What have you learned about yourself? 
2. What Health Type are you?
3. Does that Health Type fall in the slower growing confidence category or the over growing confidence category.
4. Now look at environmental factors. How did they support or suppress that growth rate that is normal for you?
5. Now look at intimate relationships.. Those in your people room. Do they support or suppress your confidence growth?
6. Now ask yourself did you also fall in the “at risk” slower confidence growers category of Activator, Connector, Guardian?

It is now time to heal, rebuild, and then find the confidence balance.

Please take at least the next 3 days or more to sit with this information. Really give it lots of thought. What revelations or ah ha moments come to you. Write those down. Let this new information really sink in. Observe those in your current People Room and also review Past relationships in your basement. Really get solid in the understanding of yourself, your mental tendencies as a Health Type.. the rate at which you can grow confidence..and what factors you need in your environment to help support and promote that growth.